But are you really bored?

But are you really bored? 

It’s a crazy time for a lot of us right now. So many are working from home. So many are home schooling their kids. So many changes are taking place. It’s a new normal. It’s not what we are used to. 

Many of us are having a hard time not eating all the things. It’s hard right now. We are in this process of wanting to change our bodies or have been changing for a while, but now everything is different. 

It’s super easy to go about your day and all of a sudden find yourself in the kitchen with no recollection why you even walked in there. And then you’re in the fridge, or the pantry or the cupboards. Are you hungry? Most of the time, no. Are you bored? Yes, you think to yourself. 

But are you really?

Are you really bored or are you trying to fill the feelings space to avoid feeling them. Trying to numb those feelings. Trying to distract those feelings. Filling the feelings space with food. Filling the feelings space with your phone. Filling the feelings space with alcohol or cigs. 

We all have done it and many of us continue to do it. Instead of just hanging out with our feelings, we numb, we distract, we defer, so we don’t have to deal with whatever is there gnawing at us.. The reality of ourselves. The reality of figuring shit out. Why is it so hard for so many to do? Why is it so hard to stop numbing? 

The eating. The stress. The boredom. The fear. The anxiety. The eating (yes again). The baking. What are we looking for? We are looking for comfort. We think the food is going to comfort us. 

We need to eat. No question about that. Food is everywhere. Food is comfort. We have been conditioned since childhood. 

When you were little what was used for comfort?

When you were being naughty what was used to make you behave?

When your parents just wanted you to play away from them, what was used to make you go away?

When you felt sad, what was used to comfort you?

When you felt happy, what was used to comfort you?

Because of the unknown that is prevalent in our society right now, many of us are turning to food. We are looking for that comfort or that numbing. We are chasing the -make me feel better- feeling. We want it and we are doing anything to get it. The problem is, it is fleeting and then we feel like crap. We got that dopamine hit to our brains that made us feel good for a few minutes and then we come back down to the reality. The reality of knowing that wasn’t the answer. The reality of being pissed at ourselves because we ate all the things and now we feel like crap. The reality of not knowing how to feel better. The reality of not being able to just sit there in our feelings. It’s a harsh reality. 

This is where the work on ourselves can get really hard. It can be ugly and dirty and disgusting. It is hard to change and it’s hard to face that reality. 

Well okay, so how does a person feel their feelings? When you find yourself feeling like you are going to overeat or you find yourself trying to find something to “comfort” you or give you the “make me feel better”  hit or doing something else to numb the feelings hole, think of the Meatloaf song, Paradise By the Dashboard Light – this line: Stop Right There!! Stop and think about what you are doing. Why do you want to numb? Acknowledge those feelings – be it anxiety, or anger or boredom or whatever. Take a few breaths and then ask yourself if that is really how you want to treat yourself. Then do what you feel is the best thing for you at that time, in that moment, in that feelings space and do it. And then tell yourself thank you for showing up for yourself. (This is similar to a technique I learned through Kelly Coffey’s Pleasure Principles course.)

It takes time. It takes work. It takes grace and gratitude and it takes showing up for yourself.

How Was Your Saturday Night?

Oh, and what do we have here? 

So, if you didn’t know and you live under a rock – hey some of us might right now – but season 3 of Ozark was released on Netflix Friday. So, naturally we had to binge watch. Five episodes Friday night and 5 episodes Saturday night. So, yes, the whole season. Because that’s what everybody does, right? Thought so. 

Anyway, Saturday, as in last night, we were watching. I was sitting in my comfy TV watching chair and because we have been told not to touch our faces, I am constantly touching my face. Gah! Well, technically this was under my chin in the neck area. You know the area I am talking about. I know you do. 

It felt weird. Like something was attached  there. Something. Not sure exactly what yet. But I kept feeling for whatever it was. I would find it and then lose it and then find it again. Strange, I know. 

Then, the light bulb. The realization. The what the fuck is that? – set in. It was a fucking whisker. A hair. Yes, a hair. That sounds better, right? Women don’t get whiskers, geez. So anyway, here I am freaking out about this whisker. LOL

I ran to the bathroom trying to find it in the mirror. Shit. I can’t see anything. I ran to get my readers. Back to the bathroom. Man, the light sucks in there. I couldn’t see anything. But I could feel it. I could feel that coarse, disgusting piece of hair sticking out of my neck. 

In my best Ruth from Ozark voice – “John! Get your fucking ass in here and fucking help me find this fucking whisker in my neck?” Of course he came running. He’s such a good husband, so attentive to the needs of his wife. And of course, Ruth swears, A LOT. You really should be watching this series. 

Now we are both in the bathroom. The tweezers are out. The readers are on. He’s looking. He keeps cranking my head to get in the light. He spots it. It’s white. Thank God. No black whiskers on this neck. He keeps cranking and now can’t find it. I look at him and start laughing. He looks like a nutty professor with his thick reading glasses and the tweezer in his hand. I can’t help it. And, on top of it, I have to pee like crazy, because I have been drinking a shit ton of water trying to flush out the chocolate chip cookies I decided to bake in the midst of this quarantine crap. And who was I kidding? If I bake them, I’m eating them. Duh. When will I realize that’s what people do. That’s what we all do. So now I know at least I can’t bake during crises. See, there’s the positive. So I avoid peeing my pants, but I can’t stop laughing. By now we are both laughing so hard, the tears are rolling. Okay, I told him. I’m good. I won’t laugh. 

Back to the neck cranking. He told me to shut up. He does that sometimes. It’s not derogatory or anything. It’s what we do. We really do like each other. He found it again. He said he got it. I don’t think he got it. I can still feel it. “Shit,” he said. Now this time he tried to pluck it out with his fingers. Oh man that neck skin pinch felt awesome. NOT. We started laughing again. This time the tweezers came back into play. One more time. No laughing. For reals. I could feel the laughter bubbling up. I could feel my shoulders start moving. I could feel the tears in my eyes. I was dying. I couldn’t help it. Okay, again. Deep breath. Stillness. Here we go. 

FINALLY – the whisker was released. It’s gone. For good. Whatever, I’m sure it will be back. 

So, how was your Saturday night? 

Three Birds

I watched them. Three little birds. Chirping and making noise in the beautiful sunshine of the day. I thought about them. I thought about the situation going on in the world right now. Carefree and unscathed, they flitted around the small bush in front of the library window. I kept watching. The sounds they made carried me away from the real world. I got lost in the beauty. I got lost in the sound. I got lost in nature. Because that’s what nature does. It was wonderful. 

If only for a few minutes. 

56 Eve

56 eve.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow is March 12th. Another year. Did I waste it? Did I use it wisely? We don’t get much time. We may feel like we do, but we don’t. 

As I sit here and look back on my year, I can’t help but think how hard I worked. I can’t help but think about how many people I have helped become better. It’s humbling. It’s a privilege. 

What did I learn? How did I change? Did I grow? I learned to meet people where they are. I learned how to meet myself where I am. That is growth. That is change. 

I want more. I want to learn new things. I am always searching. I asked a question in my nutrition group this morning. “What is one talent you wish you had?” The responses were interesting. Most people wanted to be able to sing!!! I wanted to be able to draw/paint and play guitar. Maybe in a few years that will be my next challenge.

Right now I am loving what I am doing. I love my training clients at the studio and I love my nutrition clients. I love the puzzles and the figuring out of things. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s frustrating. Sometimes I just want to quit. But, isn’t that life? It’s all time. t’s all life. 

Use it wisely. 

I’m sitting in my library looking out at the almost spring weather. I’m drinking a cup of decaf. My mug says, “I drink the tears of my haters.” It’s funny. I’m listening to Easy by the Commodores. Today is nice. Over 60 degrees. I feel out of sorts. I feel tired. I feel restless. Is it the time change? Maybe. It is the full moon? Maybe. It is my age? Maybe

Maybe it’s a little bit of everything. I feel strong and I feel confident. I preach this. The older you get, the more you need to stay focused on your health. Get rid of that asshole in your head telling you you aren’t important or telling you you don’t matter. Work through the self-sabotage that we all have had or do have. Start living. When we age we need to keep moving. We need to lift heaver weights. We need to learn about food and how it affects our body. We need to grab this opportunity and age gracefully. Age with health. Age with confidence. Age wisely. Do things. 

I accomplished a lot this year. 

I quit drinking – Over 500 days now. 

I built my business up. Slow and steady. 

I still continue to use the kettlebells and they are still my passion

I lost 40 pounds. 

I gained a crap ton of strength

I have been continuing my education through certifications.

I have read a lot of books this year. 

I have been able to change the channel in my own head the self-doubt creeps in or when that voice keeps trying to get me to do things that are going to derail my progress, but most importantly, I am still a work in progress! 

My thoughts are all over the place. Very scattered, torn and unorganized. Anxious even. Aging. The crux of my thoughts. Thinking of everything. Thinking of nothing. Thinking of something. And then here it comes. I can’t help it. 

Four more years and I will be 60. Four more years and I will be the age my dad was when he died. How is that even possible? It’s so weird to even let my mind go there. I want not to think about it. It creeps in ever so slightly, every so often. 

I look around. I think about how much I have to be thankful for. I am. I thank Him every single day for this beautiful, crazy thing called life. For this time called life. 

I will use it wisely. 

I will continue to grow. 

I will continue to set boundaries

I will continue to work on myself

I will continue

Happy 56 Eve to me…

Work Ethic and Levis Jeans

I was 12. I thought I was a big shot. After all, how many other 12 year old kids had a job? It was technically my first job, because taxes, but I had done a ton of babysitting before that. I babysat from the time I was about ten (insert WTF face). Could a ten year old be trusted babysitting other kids and babies even? Parents, what were you thinking? But apparently, this ten year old could. 

But this was a real job. A fill out the W-4 kind of job. The you better be on time kind of job and the you need to count back change kind of job. I messed up a few times that I can remember. I feel bad about it. I know one time I gave someone one dollar too much. 

Car hop. I was a car hop. The Embers was the restaurant. Those of you who live in Pierre, the Embers was a burger joint and used to be where Wells Fargo Bank is now, and also across from Wegner Auto. 

My sister worked there and she basically got me the job. The Barth brothers worked there (soooo cute they were) and the Kaiser sisters. 

This place had the best burgers and the best drive inn food. You know the kind with the toasted buns – crunch on the edges…delicious! 

I got $1.10 per hour, plus tips. If I was a waitress on the inside of the restaurant, I got $1.50 per hour. I mostly car hopped. If a car drove up, one of us car hops went out and took the order. We took the order to the window and the order was prepared. When the order was ready we took it back out to the customer’s car and the tray was placed on their almost completely rolled down window or in between the window and the car door. 

I remember one particular order. I took the tray and was putting on the guy’s window. I spilled the food!! I was mortified. It was potato salad. Not only was I mortified I was also grateful that I didn’t spill the pop!! Not sure how I saved that. The guy was super nice and still gave me a tip. A 50 cent piece. Thanks guy. 

I was so excited to get my first paycheck. I knew exactly what I wanted to buy. Levis jeans. School was out for the summer and it was getting close to starting up again. My first paycheck was $44 and some odd cents. To me, I felt rich. I felt like that was so much money. I went to the bank and cashed my check. I then walked to the Sandvigs store. I knew exactly what jeans I wanted. They were boot cut. Faded. Not the normal wash faded, a little lighter. I bought two pairs of jeans. Jeans were expensive then. About $20 a pair. I spent my whole paycheck on two pairs of jeans. 

I learned a lot during that time. 

I learned how to treat people.

I learned what work ethic was.

I learned how to talk to people. 

My first experience with customer service. 

My first experience with freedom.

My first experience with you will be working the rest of your life now. Haha. 

It’s funny because John said he used to deliver hamburger there. We wondered if we ever saw each other…

Not I, Not Me, It’s Us and We – The Process

Has anyone ever told you to enjoy the process? It usually entails an effort happening on your part and that effort is something that is going to take a while, or something that is going to be hard. For example, losing weight. We’ve all been there, or at least most of us have been there. We decide it’s time. Many reasons or some reasons or A reason brings us to that point. Not I, not me. It’s us and we. 

We do all the things to get ready. You know, binge all weekend because we start Monday. I know that’s what people do. It shouldn’t be that, but because we are starting a new diet on Monday, we naturally think we are going to be deprived of everything we love and we think the only thing we will be eating is chicken and broccoli. We really need to stop this behavior and change this mindset. But, I get it. 

Anyway, we are ready to go. Monday rolls up and we are off. We feel great, we are doing well. The week is good. Then here comes Friday and the weekend. Things don’t go so great on Friday and Saturday. We tell ourselves how bad we suck. We get mad and we then usually just say screw it and we are done. We think we messed up so bad that  it’s not worth it to get back to it. But it doesn’t have to be like that. 

When we are making changes, it’s okay to mess up. We are all human. We are going to have some bad days. The thing that makes or breaks the change is to keep going. Who cares if you messed up. Get right back at it. The thing that makes or breaks the change is to be honest with yourself. Completely honest. No half truths. Full truth all the way. 

The thing is, when we slow down and pay attention to things going on in our lives, we are better able to figure out why those behaviors are happening. We need to own up. We do so many things to try and remove our personal responsibility from them. We want quick. We want easy. Well, I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. We need to buck up and take responsibility. Fixing these things takes awareness. 

Because until you find out why you are lying to yourself when you add extra food and don’t record it…or put some peanut butter on your sandwich and then dig into the jar with your butter knife again and put that in your mouth…or when you bring in a package of donuts and eat one donut and a bite off of every other donut in the pack because that means you aren’t really going overboard and then you throw them away, but half an hour later you dig them out of the garbage…or you eat the gummy vitamins because they taste like candy and you aren’t going to record them, because duh, they’re vitamins…or we tell ourselves we are just going to have two Oreos and pretty soon we ate a whole sleeve…or how many times have you sat down in front of the TV with a bag of chips or a bowl of popcorn and pretty soon you realize it’s all gone. Yes, you ate the whole thing…or you ate a whole bowl of guac, because it’s “clean.” These are the things we need to work on during the process. The behaviors. The habits. The —why am I this fucked up— things. (We tell ourselves we are fucked up. We really aren’t. We are human). These things are the things. Work on these. All of these.

If you don’t do the work to change, you will never change, If you don’t “enjoy” the process, you will never change. You will just go through the motions of change. And those motions aren’t going to get you much. The time passes no matter what. It may take 6 months. It may take a year. It will probably take longer than that, but while you are changing get in this process. Live the process. Enjoy it. Treat it like an experiment. You have the problems. Let’s solve them. Piece by piece, bit by bit, let’s put the puzzle of ourselves back together. Track things and look for trends. It really works to lay it all out. We always want to over-complicate this thing. It’s not complicated at all. It takes patience. 

And most important of all, it is okay to love yourself where you are and while you are changing. That is not a conflict. It’s all about self-awareness. It’s all about you. So, the sooner you realize nobody is coming to save you, and that you are responsible for your actions and your progress, the sooner you are going to start enjoying this process and digging into this process and making those changes you are so looking forward to. Accept it, stop denying and do the work. Watch the changes come. I believe in you.  

Not I, not me. It’s us and we.  

Excuses, Break Up With Them

Excuses. We all have them. They are automatic. They take no thinking. They take no creativity. They are there. If you don’t have them, you’re lying. We all use them. We like to pretend they render us powerless. 

Excuses can be powerful though. We let them debilitate us. They keep us from moving forward. They keep us from taking that first step. 

Some of our excuses blare at us constantly. You know these excuses. You’ve told yourself these a million times. The “it’s not my fault,” “I couldn’t help it,” “I can’t do it,” “I don’t have time,” “I can’t afford it,” “I’ll start Monday.” 

These are the kind of excuses we use to leave the knot slipped or the door open so we can slip out or run out when our goals are harder than we thought they would be. It’s when we want to leave and this gives us the out. We are afraid to fail and when the going gets tough, we want out. Peace out. 

Excuses sabotage our results. They sabotage our dreams. They sabotage everything we are trying to do to succeed. They take away our power. They take away our creativity. They take away our ability to get results, to get the results we so desperately want. The results we are so desperately striving to achieve. Excuses rob us of our happiness. 

So how do we overcome them? Think of a time in your life when you did something and had great results. Why did you have those results? Why did you succeed? More than likely it was because you didn’t let excuses creep into ear shot. You wouldn’t listen. You didn’t listen. You chose to move forward. You committed yourself. 

If you are trying to lose weight or trying to get to the gym three or four times a week, commit to yourself. Release the excuses. Don’t listen to the mental chatter trying to sabotage your results. Take action. Take that first step. Imagine what your life will look like. See the person you are trying to become. Break up with your excuses. 

Show Up

How are you showing up for yourself?

As I am sure you know, we are always our toughest critic. We are ridiculously hard on ourselves when it comes to our bodies. How we look. How we see ourselves. You know the drill. There is not one person I know who has not said something negative about how they look. Why? Why are we so conditioned to hate ourselves? Why are we so conditioned to bad mouth ourselves? Why are we so conditioned to take a look in that mirror and talk shit to the person staring back? 

It’s interesting to me. We spend so much time shit talking ourselves. But when it comes to changing and getting results, we are the first to have a laundry list of excuses. Such a paradox. Especially as we age we tend to blame other things for our weight gain or how our body looks. 

We start with, well you know what happens when you turn 40. It’s all downhill. Getting old is hell. That’s what happens when you get older, you just get fatter. It’s my hormones. I mean come on, can you feel the heat from those hot flashes coming off my body. My metabolism is completely broken. I eat “clean,” so I don’t know why I can’t lose weight. I barely eat 1000 calories a day. I just need to work out more. That will do it. I know it will. 

We fail to take a look inside. We fail to blame ourselves. Why? I just don’t get it. We would rather blame everything else than do what we need to do to fix the situation. Take some responsibility. Show up. Change the way we eat. Eat less. It sounds so simple, but it is the answer. 

I did this for years. I blamed my hormones. I blamed my thyroid. I blamed my workouts. I blamed everything but myself. I was the only one who could do anything about it. I was eating healthy and working out. I gained weight and I kept on gaining weight. The truth was I was eating too much. We never believe we are eating as much as we are. Track it once and you will see. 

So I started really focusing on my nutrition and my workouts. I showed up for myself. I showed up and I did the work. I worked hard. I ate in a calorie deficit. I ate protein at every meal. I ate lots of fruits and vegetables. I was consistent. I was patient. I upped the weights on my workouts and I made sure to strength train at least three days per week. I love my Peloton bike and I love that type of cardio. I like doing it. I do bike rides every week and I walk or run on the tread once or twice a week. But I didn’t get the bike or the tread to try to lose weight. That never works. It is so true that you cannot out exercise a diet that is constantly in a calorie surplus. It does not work. 

I turn 56 in about 5 weeks and I can tell you I have never felt better. I have never been leaner. I have never been stronger. Age is just a number. I am aging with grit and grace and I love it. We should never be afraid to get older. We just get better. 

As you age and as you go forward in life, think about your future. Even if you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s or higher, it’s never too late to change. How do you want to show up? I want to be healthy and I want to be able to move without pain. 

Don’t know where to start? 

  1. Move every day.
  2. Eat in a calorie deficit if you are trying to lose weight. Track your food.
  3. Strength train
  4. Be Consistent
  5. Be patient.
  6. Clap for yourself
  7. Cheer for yourself.
  8. Talk nice to yourself.
  9. Reduce your stress.
  10. SHOW UP.

The Lady In The Blue Dress

The lady in the blue dress.

It’s been a rough week. There have been so many deaths recently. It’s hard. I feel for the families. Just in the last month death has touched so many families of people I went to school with. It makes me think about how time passes. It makes me think of us all getting older, even though we still think of ourselves as the young and carefree high schoolers. 

Life is funny. Life is always connected. You just have to look for the dots. I was talking to my sister. When I say talking, what I really mean is texting. That’s how most of us “talk” these days. 

We were talking about things. We were talking about why we do the things we do and why we are the way we are. 

That night I had the most amazing dream. The next day I immediately wrote down what I remembered about it. I had this dream on January 22nd. 

I dreamt last night. I got the best hug I have ever had. It felt so real. Was it real? Dreams are so crazy and they feel real and they seem real. Are they messages? Are they signs? What exactly are they?

She was wearing a long blue dress, flowing and bright. Her hair was reddish-blonde and I knew her. Sherry was there too. Other people too, cousins, Brenda and Susan. But she, Aunt Sandy, shone so bright. She came to me. She enveloped me in her arms. She squeezed me so tight, comforting me and giving me peace. She felt so tiny. She felt so breakable. But the strength of that hug was unmistakeable. It was real. It felt so real. She was hugging me tight. It was as if she was letting me know things were going to be okay. She was making up for lost time. She was making up for lost hugs. She was giving me the hugs never received. She was giving me the hugs always wanted. She was letting me know she knew. She was letting me know. 

The timeline was so strange, because I am pretty sure in the dream we were at Uncle Bob’s funeral, but Aunt Sandy died before him. So I was confused and trying to piece things together, but I think in dreams you don’t get to do that. You just get to experience and watch and sometimes participate.

The blue dress. It was so vivid. It was so pretty. It was just so……comforting.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Lifestyle changes – what makes a person want to change their lifestyle? Because they want to lose weight? A health scare? Because they want to? Because they want to gain weight? All good reasons. All reasons you may want to change.

One thing that we seem to forget in this journey of changing is that these are lifestyle changes. Changing our life. Changing how we do things. We forget that this is a forever thing. There is no finish line when it comes to getting healthier and wanting to better our life. We tend to think of this as diet lifestyle. Diet lifestyle needs to go away. When a person goes on a diet there is usually a finish line. What happens after that finish line? Most of the time they go right back to what they were doing before. They have learned nothing except how to be on a diet.

There is no end game. There is no end point. There is no done time.

Make sustainable life changes for a healthier you. Make your habits sustainable. Learn about nutrition. Learn about you. A lot of us have issues with our bodies. A lot of us have issues with food. Those need to be addressed in order to see success and in order to sustain the life changes we are making. Make your progress sustainable.

Take the first step to start.

Figure out why you want to change.

Don’t overcomplicate the process.

Keep going.

Have patience.

Love yourself.

Change your mindset.