live your life with purpose
live your life with purpose
Ain’t a lot of boys named Gary these days… Man it’s been a while since I’ve written. But today the pull is strong. I heard a new song. Gary by Stephen Wilson, Jr. Songs always pull the memories out of hiding… But grief has its …
At what point to we become accepting and maybe even content? As a victim of diet culture and body image issues for what seems like my whole life, I am leaning in to contentment. All the cliche phrases come to mind about just fucking love …
Today is my birthday.
Today I turn 59.
I’ve been thinking about it all week and have been contemplating what to write about it.
Aging is a privilege. It’s also inevitable. Age with awesomeness instead of dread.
I’m not trying to fight it. I’m trying to live my life with purpose. We only get one life. I see women (and I’m sure men do it to) trying to get as skinny as possible. Or they are trying to look as young as possible. They are trying to be the way they were in high school or college. Our bodies change. They change A LOT. We will never be the same way we were in high school or college. That’s a good thing. Our bodies go through so many changes. It’s so cool. Embrace instead of hate.
In the grand scheme of things, will it matter if you aren’t the skinniest you’ve ever been? Will it matter you aren’t the heaviest you’ve every been?
What does matter?
I’m getting closer to the age my dad was when he died. He had turned 60 about six weeks before that day in June. He lived his life. He had fun. I want to be that way.
How does someone age? However the fuck they want.
Age is an idea. People try to tell other people how they should live or what they should wear or how they should look and even how they should act.
If you know me at all, you know that’s not me. I will wear what I want. I will live the best I can and I will look the way I want. I want optimal health. Anyone who knows me, knows I want that for them too.
It looks different for everyone and feels different for everyone.
The only limitations are the ones we place on ourselves. In our minds. How we age is our choice. Nobody else’s.
Age the way you want to.
It’s a privilege.
This prompt is a good one. When I was little we lived in Hurley, SD. We moved to Pierre when I started Kindergarten. I played with my cousins all the time. My earliest memory is when I was probably around 4. There was a giant …
Brave – Courageous, dauntless, perhaps a little bit daring, a person who is brave faces dangerous or difficult situations with courage. Do it brave. That’s how I look at myself. Doing things that are uncomfortable. Talking into my phone camera every morning, usually around 4:30am, telling …
Taking part in the bloganuary writing prompts. A writing prompt every day during January.
Today is “What is something you want to achieve this year?”
I can take this one two ways. A business aspect and a physical/health aspect. Let’s start with the physical/health aspect.
This year my focus is going to be strength. So many times as women age, the strength training or thinking we should be strong drops off. Or in many cases, women think it’s too late to even start strength training. I call BS on that one. I call being fearful and not believing on that one. Sure, it can be scary to just start lifting, especially if that is something you have never really done before.
The comfort zone carries a lot of weight. We want to stay there, because it’s um well, comfortable. Why should we venture away from it? What would prompt a person to do that? Something needs to pull a person away. The pull looks like wanting to feel stronger. The pull looks like wanting to be better. We want all the time. Until we take the action though, nothing will change. So I plan to take that action this year. I will be setting monthly strength goals. That is something I want to achieve this year. The follow through will be the achievement for me.
The business aspect. As I am a nutrition and lifestyle coach, I plan to focus more on my business this year. I want to work on signing more clients. I want to help as many people as I am able. Again this comes down to a comfort thing. The fear is always there. The more I learn, the less I feel like I know. That is a super common thing, by the way.
Also, the comfort zone. There it is again. I say it all the time. Get out of your comfort zone. I need to tell myself that here as well. Do things messy. Take that messy action. Just take action. Something is always better than nothing. Again, monthly goals will be the action plan here.
So, today I start with the blank slate of 2023. The blank page of Chapter One.
Nothing looks as good as healthy feels. We want to believe that the outside matters more than the inside, but it doesn’t. You can’t judge that book cover, no matter how much you want to. You can’t know someone’s level of health just by looking …
This week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2022.
I wasn’t going to write this, but something told me to. My story is out there. I didn’t know what else I could add to it.
You aren’t alone. If you need to get help, reach out. It may be the best thing you ever do.
The following is another chapter in my story. I remember the picture clearly. The green and white baseball-style shirt. Proud of my school. Proud to be an athlete. But…
It was a picture that showed how fucked up I was.
Thinking back.
I thought I was healthy.
I thought I was doing the things to lose the weight.
I thought I was okay.
That picture told the true story. Pale skin. Dark circles under the eyes. Dull looking hair. The red knuckles. All the signs. Some of the signs. Hiding the signs.
The picture. It was a gathering at a coach’s house. Gymnastics coach. I think maybe I was a sophomore or a junior. We were eating barbecues and potato chips. I watched what I was eating, very hawk-like. The food was good and I wanted to binge. But, I didn’t want to set off any red flags for anyone who was there. I was hungry. So hungry. But I held back.
The disorder was full-blown at that time. It was awful, but I felt in such control. I could dictate what I was going to eat. I could eat anything. I could eat however much I wanted, because I was in control. If I wanted M&Ms, I could eat them. If I wanted ice cream or cereal or cookies, I could eat them, because I was in control. I could eat whatever I wanted. It was a powerful feeling. The feeling was power and control, yet at the same time it was anything but.
The mind is an amazing thing. On one hand I felt like I was doing what needed to be done in order to succeed at losing weight. On the other hand, everything I was doing was amazingly unhealthy. Making yourself vomit after eating copious amounts of food is not healthy. Not eating any meals and then 4 pm hits and you binge for hours and then vomit again, is not healthy. Thinking about what you are going to binge on next is not healthy.
I could rationalize with myself. I could tell myself it wasn’t that bad. I could tell myself I could stop at any time. I could tell myself, just a little while longer. How can a 16 or 17 year old really rationalize this stuff? Eating disorders are a real thing. It can be really scary. It can be hard to quit.
We all have shades of shame. We all try to hide things. Don’t be afraid to open up. Don’t be afraid to tell your story. You never know who might resonate with it. You never know who it may help. That is why I will keep talking That is why I will not be ashamed. That is why I will keep telling my story.
I was lucky. I quit. So many people don’t. So many people don’t know where to look for help.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not defined by an eating disorder. You matter.
If you have an eating disorder or think you might have an eating disorder, get some help.
https://anad.org/get-help/eating-disorders-helpline/
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
We aren’t promised anything. Our days are numbered. You know that, right? We have a birth date and a death date. We don’t have any in between dates. We have milestones and stories and life living. How we spend those is our choice. Similarly, how …
this is 59