live your life with purpose
Diary of a Former Chubby Trainer/Nutrition Coach My story starts in grade school. My story is a long one and it’s not a pretty one. It’s full of winding roads and uphill climbs and some straight roads. I feel like I have been aware of …
Diary of a Former Chubby Trainer/Nutrition Coach— Chubby, you say? What does chubby mean? To me, it meant that I was slightly overweight, not a ton, but enough. Six years ago, chubby. Six months ago, fat. 2013 – chubby 2018 – fat But how? The …
Diary of a Former Chubby Trainer/Nutrition Coach:
April 14- 2019
Up By 5s
I think my weight would go up by 5s. The lowest I ever remember weighing was 116 when I was a sophomore in high school. That was when my normal life changed and my dieting life took over. The coach wanted me to lose ten pounds. It made me feel fat. It made me feel not good enough, less than, shitty. That is when the eating disorder developed. That is when my life changed. That is when I became obsessed with food and diet and body image. How many calories are in a piece of bread? I could tell you. What about an apple? I could tell you. What about that candy bar? I could tell you. Control. I had it. Me. Just like now. I have control about how my body changes and how I look. The difference this time is because I want to change. I’m not doing it for anyone else. I’m doing it because I want to, not because I have to. Mindset is huge when it comes to changing. Attitude is everything. That shift is huge! It’s not be all end all. It’s learning along the way. It’s being aware along the way. I want to be healthy. I’m not losing weight just to lose weight. I’m not chasing a number. I’m chasing that chubby girl. I’m running after her. I’m telling her she needs to do this in order to live a healthy life. I’m telling her I love her and that she needs to love herself. She needs to give a shit about herself.
When John and I got together I was not overweight. I was confident in my body image. My weight was “normal” for what the experts said it should be. I might have even been a little higher. The weight slowly creeped up, but only by five pounds. I stayed at that weight for many years. The post-Tayler weight. I felt okay at that weight.
Then I was up five pounds from that weight. I stayed there for a long time, always trying to lose. Never happening.
Then all of a sudden I was up five more pounds. I stayed at that weight for quite a while. I was at that weight for my RKC certification, I think that was 2013 maybe.
And then I just steadily gained. And the excuses came with the weight. I was gaining muscle, right? I am just bigger. It’s hormones, it’s my thyroid. I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. How stupid. I guess I am just going to be overweight forever.
Pretty soon I was up by 5 again and again and again and finally again to my highest weight ever. I wanted to die. I know that is over dramatic, but I bet you know exactly what I mean. Something had to change. I had to change.
It’s not about the number they say. I understand that. But it is about a number. A number where we feel good. Not a specific number, I get that and would never want anyone to think they have to be a certain number. Like I said above, I’m not chasing one. It’s how you feel. It’s how your health is. It’s how your clothes fit. It’s how comfortable you are with you!
I was not comfortable with me at all. I felt self-conscious at my certs especially this last RKC. I was at my heaviest and everything felt hard and uncomfortable. I remember after the snatch test I had a pounding headache right after it. “For fuck sake stroke out why don’t you,” I told myself. That was kind of a wake up call too. I was getting unhealthy. Even though I was still in okay shape I was overweight by a lot and it was starting to affect my health. I had to change, now. I needed to let go of the fear. The fear of failing, the fear of succeeding even. I needed to move forward and take a step.
So I did.
Story One – The Trunk — Peggie Larsen Her hair was blonde, her eyes were blue and her mouth was sassy. She lived down the gravel road from the main highway in a small house with eight rooms. The house was at the end of …
It was just another day at the Euclid House. Yelling, screaming, tattling. It must have been a weekend because mom was home. It could have been evening, but it seemed like it was during the day. As you have seen from previous blog posts, we …
I had been waiting since November. I purchased the tickets then. The concert wasn’t until April 18th, 2019. A Thursday. I dragged Tayler with me. Even if she wouldn’t have been able to come with me, I still would have gone. By myself. I would not have felt one bit awkward going by myself, sitting by myself and tapping my foot by myself.
The concert was at the Civic Center, in the Fine Arts Theater. A small venue. A more intimate venue. Up close. People shuffled in, drinks in hand, merch bags in hand, and excited. Most of the people were in their 40s and 50s. Some other lucky kids had been dragged along by their mothers too. I saw a few. Lucky kids.
People were getting restless, waiting. It took a while. There was about a 20 minute documentary-type film that was shown before the actual singing started. It was interesting listening to him in that voice. A young kid voice. A punk voice. He had such a baby face. He fought authority back then and he still does today.
The set list was amazing. The sound was amazing. The band was amazing. He was amazing. I felt so lucky to be able to see him again. I loved him all through high school and always fantasized that he would be my person. I mean, he was only 12 years older. Big deal. That’s nothing. He is 67 now and he is still rocking it.
I caught Tayler tapping her foot to a lot of the songs, even though she thought we were going to the Tom Petty concert. GAH!!! Rest In Peace Tom Petty. I set her straight.
Here was the set list:
1. Lawless Times
2.Troubled Land
3.Minutes to Memories (one of my all time favorites)
4.Small Town
Here he took a little break to interact with the crowd with the long gone song.
5. Long Gone (from Bowlin’ Green) – so fun!!
6. Stones In My Passway
7. We Are The People
8. Lonley Ol’ Night (another favorite)
9. Check It Out
10. Longest Days
11. Jack & Diane
12. Easy Target
13. Overture – in other words cigarette break I told Tayler that when this happened it meant it was a cigarette break for him. He came walking back in, strutting in really, while playing his guitar and blowing out a mouthful of smoke. I love him!!
14. Rain On The Scarecrow
15. Paper In Fire
16. Crumblin’ Down (the crowd went wild with this one, everyone was singing)
17. Authority Song/Land of 1000 Dances
18. Pink Houses
19. Cherry Bomb
20. Long Gone reprise.
He really is an amazing artist. I feel fortunate to have been able to see him. I feel fortunate that Tayler was with me. I love spending time with her. I love watching her enjoy things. I glanced at her a lot. She reminds me a lot of myself. I want her to do well. I want her to be happy. I want her to have a great life. Life is fragile and we just never know what is going to happen, so enjoy every single moment you can. As Mellencamp says in Minutes to Memories, “you are young and you are the future so suck it up and tough it out and be the best you can”. Be silly. Be fun. Be present. And most of all, be yourself.
And whenever he tours again, I told John, the hubby whose name is John, that he is coming with me.
Music and Memories – Music, the soundtrack. The life soundtrack. Your youth, your middle years, your now years. Have your music tastes changed? Are they still the same as far back as you can remember? Is anything different? Music has such an impact on lives, …
He always let me pick first. He was nice like that. No matter how much he wanted the one I picked, he let me pick first. Always. It was the Euclid House. Probably second grade. I played with him every day. He lived a weird …
And people say kids have no respect…
It was my flight from Dallas to Philadelphia last Friday. I was tired. There had been several delays already. I was finally boarding the plane. I was ready for a comfortable bed and a good night sleep. I had so many text messages from American Airlines. Your departure time has changed to 3:30 pm from gate A19 in terminal A. Then, your departure has changed to gate C22 in terminal C. Then, your departure changed to gate C26 in Terminal C. Then, your departure time has changed to 4 pm. Then, your flight departure has changed to gate A11 out of Terminal A. Then, your departure time has changed to 4:20 p.m. Yeah, I was ready to be done.
I made my way to my seat. I picked my seats when I made my reservation and this was a window seat. I couldn’t wait to lean my head against the side of the plane and sleep. The plane was full. I was in row 15, seat F, the window seat. There was a lady seated in the aisle seat and an older gentleman seated in the center. I said excuse me, that’s me at the window, meaning can you please get up so I can make my way to my seat. The man asked if I wanted the window seat. I said that was my seat. He then said they could just scoot over. I thought when he said, “they,” he meant the lady and him. I said okay. He then said he wasn’t very mobile anyway and scooted to the window. But, the lady said she had the aisle seat. I was stuck in the middle. I told her I thought they were together.
I tried to sleep. I did a little. Out of the corner of my eye, I studied the old man. He was probably in his 70s. He was small. He was wearing all black. A black sweatshirt and black sweat pants and Nike tennis shoes. He had a dangly silver cross earring and a silver post earring in his left ear. He had a bandaid on this left hand between his thumb and first finger. It looked like it had still been bleeding. He did look a little frail. He also looked a little asshole-ish.
I tried to sleep some more. It was time for drinks and snacks. I politely declined. He ordered the hummus and it was $9.75. Wow, that’s some expensive hummus. I thought it was strange he ordered hummus. I’m not sure why, I just did. He unzipped his fanny pack and whipped out his credit card. He also ordered Ginger Ale to drink. At least when he was eating his hummus, with the cucumbers and carrots it came with, he didn’t crunch or smack. If he had, I’m not sure what I would have done. Ask for ear plugs possibly. I don’t think he had any carry-on or any luggage for that matter. Nothing was under his seat. He just looked straight ahead most of the time. I’m sure he could sense me studying him. We usually can sense when someone is starting holes into our heads.
Because the flight was so late taking off, the crew asked that anyone not connecting to please stay on the plane so the other people could deplane quickly to make the connecting flights. When the plane was coming to a complete stop, I asked him if he had a connection to make. He said, “Yes ma’am.” So I let him go in front of me. He sure was mobile enough to practically jump over me to get out into the aisle, I thought. I waited until most of the connecting flight people got off the plane and then I proceeded to grab my backpack and then found my carry on suitcase and left the plane.
As I exited the plane and got to that spot where people usually have to wait to get their carry on bags if they put one of those airline tags on them, I saw him. We locked eyes and then he looked down. He didn’t have a connection. He lied. He was just standing there. He wasn’t in a hurry at all. He was just an asshole.
A few thoughts about food – It’s everywhere. It’s what we need to survive. It is something we are around every single day. We live on it. Sometimes we live for it. We need it in order to live. We need it in order to …