Up by 5s

Diary of a Former Chubby Trainer/Nutrition Coach:

April 14- 2019

Up By 5s

I think my weight would go up by 5s. The lowest I ever remember weighing was 116 when I was a sophomore in high school. That was when my normal life changed and my dieting life took over. The coach wanted me to lose ten pounds. It made me feel fat. It made me feel not good enough, less than, shitty. That is when the eating disorder developed. That is when my life changed. That is when I became obsessed with food and diet and body image. How many calories are in a piece of bread? I could tell you. What about an apple? I could tell you. What about that candy bar? I could tell you. Control. I had it. Me. Just like now. I have control about how my body changes and how I look. The difference this time is because I want to change. I’m not doing it for anyone else. I’m doing it because I want to, not because I have to. Mindset is huge when it comes to changing. Attitude is everything. That shift is huge! It’s not be all end all. It’s learning along the way. It’s being aware along the way. I want to be healthy. I’m not losing weight just to lose weight. I’m not chasing a number. I’m chasing that chubby girl. I’m running after her. I’m telling her she needs to do this in order to live a healthy life. I’m telling her I love her and that she needs to love herself. She needs to give a shit about herself.

When John and I got together I was not overweight. I was confident in my body image. My weight was “normal” for what the experts said it should be. I might have even been a little higher. The weight slowly creeped up, but only by five pounds. I stayed at that weight for many years. The post-Tayler weight. I felt okay at that weight. 

Then I was up five pounds from that weight. I stayed there for a long time, always trying to lose. Never happening.

Then all of a sudden I was up five more pounds. I stayed at that weight for quite a while. I was at that weight for my RKC certification, I think that was 2013 maybe.

And then I just steadily gained. And the excuses came with the weight. I was gaining muscle, right? I am just bigger. It’s hormones, it’s my thyroid. I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. How stupid. I guess I am just going to be overweight forever.

Pretty soon I was up by 5 again and again and again and finally again to my highest weight ever. I wanted to die. I know that is over dramatic, but I bet you know exactly what I mean. Something had to change. I had to change.

It’s not about the number they say. I understand that. But it is about a number. A number where we feel good. Not a specific number, I get that and would never want anyone to think they have to be a certain number. Like I said above, I’m not chasing one. It’s how you feel. It’s how your health is. It’s how your clothes fit. It’s how comfortable you are with you!

I was not comfortable with me at all. I felt self-conscious at my certs especially this last RKC. I was at my heaviest and everything felt hard and uncomfortable. I remember after the snatch test I had a pounding headache right after it. “For fuck sake stroke out why don’t you,” I told myself. That was kind of a wake up call too. I was getting unhealthy. Even though I was still in okay shape I was overweight by a lot and it was starting to affect my health. I had to change, now. I needed to let go of the fear. The fear of failing, the fear of succeeding even. I needed to move forward and take a step.

So I did.