I hit send. The email notifying my clients. It was time to burn it down. Bittersweet. Then I went and bought a necklace, a crystal stone. Time. I gave myself the gift of time. Time does not stand still. Time flies. We usually don’t get it back, but I am taking mine back. 

Citrine is the stone. It radiates positive energy. Citrine increases personal power. It is associated with the solar plexus chakra. It enhances the energy center and can help dissolve blocks and stagnation, resulting in higher energy levels and a boost in overall circulation. It fills the spirit with positivity and the highest vibrations. It provides sunny energy. Yellow energy. My energy. The light reflects beautifully. I am light. I radiate light. 

Another chapter over. Another chapter done. But when a chapter ends, a new one begins. I feel like this is just the beginning. I feel like I still have important work to do. I know I still have important work to do. I will definitely miss my clients. And I will miss Chris as well. She and they have been my heart and soul for the past 8.5 years. 

I spent a lot of years at the studio. A lot of hours. A lot of sweat. A lot of work. It’s time to move on. It’s time to take it a different direction. It’s time. I am going to explore the out there world. The online world. I already have a small nutrition coaching business going and I love it. I am going to look more into building that up and doing some online training. I am still working on a few certifications as well. 

I am excited and nervous and scared all at the same time. The feelings and emotions are real and I am feeling every single bit of it. I am not shying away from feeling anything. In fact, I am feeling everything more and more.

I am looking forward to making my schedule each day. I am looking forward to using all I have learned and helping people be better and helping people eat with more knowing and help them life better. 

It’s hard not to get burned out with the hours I was working. I didn’t get that perspective until we had to close because of the virus. Then it was like oh, this is the sleep I have been missing and oh this is the time just sitting with my husband I have been missing. Oh this is how it is if I just want to pick up and go. It helped me get that perspective. It gave me that perspective. It gave me the means to do the hard thing and to be grateful. 

On June 30, 2020, I will walk out of The Underground. I will walk into my new life. A new life I am excited to live. 

But are you really bored? 

It’s a crazy time for a lot of us right now. So many are working from home. So many are home schooling their kids. So many changes are taking place. It’s a new normal. It’s not what we are used to. 

Many of us are having a hard time not eating all the things. It’s hard right now. We are in this process of wanting to change our bodies or have been changing for a while, but now everything is different. 

It’s super easy to go about your day and all of a sudden find yourself in the kitchen with no recollection why you even walked in there. And then you’re in the fridge, or the pantry or the cupboards. Are you hungry? Most of the time, no. Are you bored? Yes, you think to yourself. 

But are you really?

Are you really bored or are you trying to fill the feelings space to avoid feeling them. Trying to numb those feelings. Trying to distract those feelings. Filling the feelings space with food. Filling the feelings space with your phone. Filling the feelings space with alcohol or cigs. 

We all have done it and many of us continue to do it. Instead of just hanging out with our feelings, we numb, we distract, we defer, so we don’t have to deal with whatever is there gnawing at us.. The reality of ourselves. The reality of figuring shit out. Why is it so hard for so many to do? Why is it so hard to stop numbing? 

The eating. The stress. The boredom. The fear. The anxiety. The eating (yes again). The baking. What are we looking for? We are looking for comfort. We think the food is going to comfort us. 

We need to eat. No question about that. Food is everywhere. Food is comfort. We have been conditioned since childhood. 

When you were little what was used for comfort?

When you were being naughty what was used to make you behave?

When your parents just wanted you to play away from them, what was used to make you go away?

When you felt sad, what was used to comfort you?

When you felt happy, what was used to comfort you?

Because of the unknown that is prevalent in our society right now, many of us are turning to food. We are looking for that comfort or that numbing. We are chasing the -make me feel better- feeling. We want it and we are doing anything to get it. The problem is, it is fleeting and then we feel like crap. We got that dopamine hit to our brains that made us feel good for a few minutes and then we come back down to the reality. The reality of knowing that wasn’t the answer. The reality of being pissed at ourselves because we ate all the things and now we feel like crap. The reality of not knowing how to feel better. The reality of not being able to just sit there in our feelings. It’s a harsh reality. 

This is where the work on ourselves can get really hard. It can be ugly and dirty and disgusting. It is hard to change and it’s hard to face that reality. 

Well okay, so how does a person feel their feelings? When you find yourself feeling like you are going to overeat or you find yourself trying to find something to “comfort” you or give you the “make me feel better”  hit or doing something else to numb the feelings hole, think of the Meatloaf song, Paradise By the Dashboard Light – this line: Stop Right There!! Stop and think about what you are doing. Why do you want to numb? Acknowledge those feelings – be it anxiety, or anger or boredom or whatever. Take a few breaths and then ask yourself if that is really how you want to treat yourself. Then do what you feel is the best thing for you at that time, in that moment, in that feelings space and do it. And then tell yourself thank you for showing up for yourself. (This is similar to a technique I learned through Kelly Coffey’s Pleasure Principles course.)

It takes time. It takes work. It takes grace and gratitude and it takes showing up for yourself.

56 eve.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow is March 12th. Another year. Did I waste it? Did I use it wisely? We don’t get much time. We may feel like we do, but we don’t. 

As I sit here and look back on my year, I can’t help but think how hard I worked. I can’t help but think about how many people I have helped become better. It’s humbling. It’s a privilege. 

What did I learn? How did I change? Did I grow? I learned to meet people where they are. I learned how to meet myself where I am. That is growth. That is change. 

I want more. I want to learn new things. I am always searching. I asked a question in my nutrition group this morning. “What is one talent you wish you had?” The responses were interesting. Most people wanted to be able to sing!!! I wanted to be able to draw/paint and play guitar. Maybe in a few years that will be my next challenge.

Right now I am loving what I am doing. I love my training clients at the studio and I love my nutrition clients. I love the puzzles and the figuring out of things. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s frustrating. Sometimes I just want to quit. But, isn’t that life? It’s all time. t’s all life. 

Use it wisely. 

I’m sitting in my library looking out at the almost spring weather. I’m drinking a cup of decaf. My mug says, “I drink the tears of my haters.” It’s funny. I’m listening to Easy by the Commodores. Today is nice. Over 60 degrees. I feel out of sorts. I feel tired. I feel restless. Is it the time change? Maybe. It is the full moon? Maybe. It is my age? Maybe

Maybe it’s a little bit of everything. I feel strong and I feel confident. I preach this. The older you get, the more you need to stay focused on your health. Get rid of that asshole in your head telling you you aren’t important or telling you you don’t matter. Work through the self-sabotage that we all have had or do have. Start living. When we age we need to keep moving. We need to lift heaver weights. We need to learn about food and how it affects our body. We need to grab this opportunity and age gracefully. Age with health. Age with confidence. Age wisely. Do things. 

I accomplished a lot this year. 

I quit drinking – Over 500 days now. 

I built my business up. Slow and steady. 

I still continue to use the kettlebells and they are still my passion

I lost 40 pounds. 

I gained a crap ton of strength

I have been continuing my education through certifications.

I have read a lot of books this year. 

I have been able to change the channel in my own head the self-doubt creeps in or when that voice keeps trying to get me to do things that are going to derail my progress, but most importantly, I am still a work in progress! 

My thoughts are all over the place. Very scattered, torn and unorganized. Anxious even. Aging. The crux of my thoughts. Thinking of everything. Thinking of nothing. Thinking of something. And then here it comes. I can’t help it. 

Four more years and I will be 60. Four more years and I will be the age my dad was when he died. How is that even possible? It’s so weird to even let my mind go there. I want not to think about it. It creeps in ever so slightly, every so often. 

I look around. I think about how much I have to be thankful for. I am. I thank Him every single day for this beautiful, crazy thing called life. For this time called life. 

I will use it wisely. 

I will continue to grow. 

I will continue to set boundaries

I will continue to work on myself

I will continue

Happy 56 Eve to me…