I’m doing okay Dad.

Hi Dad. I’m doing fine. 

It’s been 21 years. June 3, 2020. 

I still remember the last time I saw you. 

This is the first time since you left that I haven’t felt that dread around the day. It’s the first time I haven’t felt the extreme sadness.

It doesn’t mean it’s any easier. It’s not. This year just feels different. I feel lighter. I feel less heart-heavy.  I feel okay.

I know you are always around. You remind me all the time. I see the signs and I smell the smells. 

I stopped and saw you today. Your area was bering watered, so you were extremely wet. It made my laugh. You always used to tell us that at your funeral you wanted it to rain so that you would be the only dry one. So, while I stood and looked at your headstone today, I had to dodge the sprinklers and it made me laugh.

This was the first time I have’t cried when I’ve visited. I actually feel like the grief – the blackness – and the shadows have lifted. I see the sunlight and can feel the warmth. It’s probably what you would have hoped it would be all along. I know you hated to see any of us cry. 

I finally feel like it’s okay. I finally feel like I know. I feel like what I do and how I help people makes sense now. The dots have been connected. I keep watching the reel. It’s the same movie every time. As much as I want it to end differently, it doesn’t. I wish you were still here. 

Your health is why I do what I do. Because of you, my path is now clear. I always wondered why I felt this extreme pull to help people. I have been put in the track of these people because of you. 

It sounds cliche. 

Your health pushed me to be better in my own health. I didn’t want heart disease. I didn’t want bypass surgery. You had quadruple at age 48 and double at age 58. I didn’t want that. It is so young. Next year I will be 58 and I realize how young that really is. You died at age 60. I don’t want to die young. 

We have one life. That’s it. We don’t get a do over. 

You put me on the path to better health. So many people don’t do the hard stuff. So many people don’t do the things they are afraid of. I say walk through the fear. I’m doing that Dad. 

I changed my life so I would not follow that trigger pull. Genetics only go so far. It’s the lifestyle that pulls that trigger. I didn’t want that for myself. I didn’t want it for you either, but I had no say. I watched you try to eat better. I watched you quit smoking. I watched you with the all or nothing mindset. I watched you struggle. 

About 3 years ago, I got that giant kick in the ass. I really changed things. I was heading towards the heart disease. I was heading towards all the unhealthy health markers. I was heading in the same direction as you. 

I changed everything in my life and I am so much better off for it. I am so much healthier because of it. 

Because of you. I thank you for that. 

I’m doing okay Dad.