Night Visions
A few months ago I had a hard time sleeping. Sleep would just not come to me. I don’t know what was different. Nothing it seemed. It was making me anxious and annoyed and frankly, pretty damn tired in the mornings. I hated it. I didn’t know what to do to try and make it better.
One night when I couldn’t sleep and was tossing and turning and turning and tossing some more, something compelled me to pick up my phone, head into my Notes App and just write. I wrote some pretty interesting things. They are interesting to me anyway. I shared some. In looking back at the notes there was a period from October, 2017, and ending in April, 2018, where I wrote. I have not felt compelled since then to write poems. I don’t know why. In fact there was a big span from the last one on January 24th, until the April one. I don’t know why that is either. Timing is interesting and strange all at the same time. There was also a section in my Notes App where had hand-written notes and drew faces with my finger. Those were around the same time as the poems. I cannot draw. Just putting that out there, but the faces I tried to draw were super interesting to me. The expressions, or non-expressions on the faces, were just strange.
A curious thing happened though. Once I could write no more, the sleeplessness went away. The anxiety went away. The annoyance went away. The tiredness went away. Whatever made me write those notes, also took away the anxiousness and the sleeplessness. I’m not sure what it was, but I am glad I listened. I am glad I wrote. I am glad I cleared the negative energy.
My whole outlook changed. My demeanor changed. I changed.
While re-reading these poems, they seem really dark. I promise I’m fine. Nothing to worry about. I do find the last one from April 8th pretty interesting. I know I have talked about intuition and “bad feelings” previously, and I think that poem on that day, was a sign. It was a sign about Mike. I was anxious and having that bad feeling that just hangs on for a while and then I usually find out a few days later that something bad happened. And something bad did happen a few days after that. Mike died.
Anyway, here are the poems that I wrote and the pictures I drew. Don’t judge too harshly.
October 28, 2017
The dead of night
Shadows dance in the light
I feel lonely and sad
Feelings I hate and fight
My face is dark
The stars and sky are bright
Why is it so hard to feel alright
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December 26, 2018
I don’t know what to think or do
The guilt is hard
The guilt is true
How I wish things could have been different
For you, and you, and you
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January 2, 2018
My mind needs to quiet down
So many thoughts running around
So many words
So many sounds
I hear the pound
The anxiety is loud
It creeps and creeps
So I can’t sleep
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January 8, 2018
I feel anxious
I don’t know why
My gut is trying to tell me
Something
Pertinent
Not a lie
I’m trying to listen
I can’t figure it out
Maybe tomorrow
It will simplify
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January 9, 2018
I just got a shiver of despair
A feeling of overwhelming sadness
My eyes filled with tears
My jaw got that tightness
What
Why
What does it mean
Undisclosed fears
Buried in my soul
The tears ran down my face
Releasing the control
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January 10, 2018
This morning my mind feels clear
The fogginess is gone
Images are sharp
Images are near
I like how this feels
It is satisfying and good
I hope it stays glassy and light
And won’t get dark and murky
I want it to be right
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January 18, 2018
Anxiety leave me alone
I don’t like you
Get of here
Go home
You always come at night
When I’m too tired to fight
I try
I try to throw you out
But you stick around
You give me grief
You’re sneaky and sly
A good thought thief
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January 24, 2018
HI
You’re back I see
What to you want this time
Why can’t you leave me be
I thought you left
I thought you were gone
I relaxed
And now you’re strong
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April 8, 2018
Sleep eludes me
Stress envelopes me
Why here
Why now
I thought I had you beat
I thought you took retreat
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(two days later Mike died)
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