why didn’t you get the buns?

He asked, “Why didn’t you get buns?” “I don’t know,” she answered. “You went out specifically to get buns,” he said. “I know. I changed my mind,” she said.

You see, she was going to the store specifically to get buns for supper. She went out of the house not really thinking about how she looked. When she got to the store, she realized she had on shorts. She felt fat. Her legs looked gross. She didn’t want to go in the store. She sat in the car and struggled with herself. Talking to herself. Telling herself she looked disgusting and then telling herself she looked fine, but still not being able to make herself go into the store. Back and forth. Back and forth. She came home instead.

This used to be me. Maybe not buns, but that doesn’t matter and that isn’t the point. I would be out and about and then decide to run to the store to pick up some things. I then realized I had on shorts. Big deal, right? It is a big deal to someone who is not comfortable with their body, or not comfortable with how they look. They see every single flaw in their bodies. They see every single chunk of fat. They see every single dimple of cellulite. They see everything wrong and nothing right. The wheels are falling off and nothing seems to get you out of the hole. No matter how many times someone tells you that you look good, you don’t believe them. The windows are so far down, you don’t know if they’ll ever roll back up.

It’s crazy how we get so caught up in how we look. It shouldn’t really matter how we look. I realize everyone wants to look good. I want to look good too. The line is crossed though when there is a right way or a wrong way to look. Everyone is totally different, and how cool is that? How can society, or anyone else for that matter, decide what is good and what is bad? It should not be that way. We need to stand up for ourselves. Perception is a choice. Being healthy is a choice. We get a choice in how we look. We get a choice in being healthy. Key word is choice. The ball is bounced to you. It’s up to you.

Negative body image and crappy self-esteem can take a long time to work through. Just know this, once you realize what is going on and once you start to figure this out, you need to own it. Once you own it, you can then begin to take the steps to work through it. Realize it’s your choice. Once you start that mental toughness of not caring what other people think of you, because really, you are the only one who should care about what you look like, then things start to change. Things start to feel different. You start to feel better about yourself. You start to toughen up. Beauty isn’t just on the outside. Everyone is their own kind of beautiful. Own it.

You have to search for it though. Find your nuts and bolts, find your center, find your core. Only then can you begin to get past the insecurities that haunt you. The insecurities that jump on you and don’t let you see the real you. When we are constantly telling ourselves negative things, well guess what? We start to believe them. We start to believe we look fat. We start to believe we look terrible. We get a shift in our mindset. We start to feel self-conscious. Make the decision to change. Make the choice to change. It does not happen overnight. It takes time. Get yourself settled in and get some popcorn for the movie. This is going to take a while. Don’t give up on yourself though, you are definitely worth it.

There is beauty in toughness
There is beauty in confidence
There is beauty in owning your shit
There is beauty in figuring this out
There is beauty in not giving a fuck about what other people think
There is beauty in feeling top shelf about yourself.

So go get those damn buns and go get them while wearing shorts.

There Is No Wagon


I have to admit that I have tried so many different ways of eating. I wanted the quick fix. I wanted to feel fabulous in 10 days, or 30 days or however many days. I wanted to just make that fucking change to start the ball rolling. Who doesn’t feel that way? I tried so hard I developed an eating disorder because of it and a few other factors. Enter high school gymnastics…

I can remember being in high school and I had a gymnastics coach who wanted me to lose weight. He wanted me to lose 10 pounds. At that time I weighed 116 pounds. I remember feeling so shitty and so defeated and most of all I felt like a big fat cow (even though I wasn’t). Bulimia became my thing. I was really good at it. Want to know what foods come up easier? I can tell you. Want to know which ones don’t? I can tell you that too. t lasted for about 3 or 4 years. For some reason I just stopped. I honestly think I was tired of hiding it. Tired of eating a ton of food and then trying to find a place to throw up. Being ashamed and just wanting to feel healthy and not tired and run down. I wanted to be normal. It is a scary and powerful disorder. Once in a while though, and I mean once in a while, like maybe one or two times a year, if I have been overeating, that dark place in my mind, that asshole called doubt comes creeping in and tries to tell me to just get rid of that food. I don’t let it control me. I move on. Sometimes that is a hard thing to do. I have grown a ton and I do know that would be the worst thing I could do for my health, so I move on. I think to this day, however, I still have some body image issues, but I will say I am pretty happy with how I look. I also have a pretty healthy relationship with food now. I am super strong and I have muscles. I will never be skinny. I’m not built that way. I have super strong shoulders and legs. I actually like my body type. My body functions well and I love that.

You don’t have to eat perfectly. You don’t have to be perfect. Perfect is, well, perfectly stupid. NOBODY is perfect. You need to quit telling yourself that you will start Monday or when you get back from vacation. Stop putting it off. If you don’t just start, you will never see the changes you are trying to implement.

Strop striving for perfection. Guess what? You can mess up and keep going. You didn’t fall off the wagon. THERE IS NO FUCKING WAGON!! You don’t have to face plant into crap food for weeks, because you messed up. Start slow and start forming habits that will stay with you the rest of your life.

Wondering where to start? My answer: you just fucking start. You do, however, have to be ready. So how do you know if you’re ready? Trust me, you know. Don’t fool yourself and make excuses. Pants too damn tight? Tired of feeling sick and tired? Feel like a fricking bloated whale? Does your skin look like shit? Is your sleep crappy? Feel like a failure? Sound familiar? See, you do know.

I say it all the time, consistency will get you where you want to be. And after all, how do you think habits form? Yep, with consistency.

My style of eating is not a quick fix. It’s not a challenge. I try to stay consistent with my eating habits and try not to overindulge. Don’t get me wrong, I do indulge, but I keep it in check. Thinking more gray and less extreme AND eating slowly has been a game changer for me.

Try it some time and let me know how it works for you.