sometimes, life is messy

Today I needed a me day. I needed my time. I didn’t want to deal with anyone or anything. I came home from work and sat in the chair and watched country music videos. I drank coffee with cream and thought about things. I thought about friends who were struggling. It made me struggle. It made me cry. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My chest felt heavy and my breathing was hard. The lump in my throat from trying not to cry hurt. I was grumpy. I should have worked out. I didn’t today. I should have cleaned the house. I didn’t today. I should have cooked supper. I didn’t today.

I felt sad. I felt numb. My heart breaks for people who are in pain. It’s hard to imagine the emotions they are going through. It’s hard to imagine the thoughts in their heads. The monsters in their minds. The not knowing what’s going to happen. The roller coaster of life and wondering if the screws are coming off the cart.

I needed to decompress. I needed to not think, yet that’s all I could do. Think, think, think. I drank some more coffee with cream and started writing. It’s kind of my escape. It’s my stress reliever. Some people eat to relieve stress. Some people drink to relieve stress. I either write or I cook. Today, I write.

I often think of what else I could be doing to give back. I haven’t quite found it, yet I think it’s there. I think it’s close. I think about it all the time. I have a special place in my heart for our Veterans. My son was a Marine and three of my nephews were military; one, a Marine Sniper and two, Army Rangers. I try to think of ways to give back to them. I know they struggle. I know they have monsters. I donate to Veteran organizations to try to do my part. It’s not enough, though.

Today, as I sit here and write, I can’t help but feel my feelings. I sent out an email to my list this week about that very thing. I told them to feel all the feelings. Root around in that crap and feel it. As easy as it would be to bury my feelings and just go on with my day, I have learned that doesn’t work. In fact, it makes things worse.

I am going deep and I’m going to give those thoughts a pat down. I think more than anything it’s helplessness. Helplessness at not knowing how to help people in pain and hoping they get better. I already feel better writing this. It makes things clearer. It puts things in perspective.

We really don’t know how lucky we are. Every day is a gift. It’s not a given that we get to wake up to see the next sunrise. It’s kind of ironic that this week’s email would apply so much to me. I rarely get down or depressed, but today was just one of those days. The last line of my email told them to start feeling their feelings. To start existing and to stop pretending at life. I think too many people pretend at life. I think that is one reason why there is so much pain in people’s hearts. People need to live. People shouldn’t be afraid to say how they are feeling. They shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help if they need it. It’s not a bad thing.

So, today I am feeling all my feelings.